The Experiences
By Michelle Preble
Samskara: mental impressions, recollections, or psychological imprints.
I like to refer to Samskara as past experiences that we keep in our brain file of “things that have happened in our lives”. You know that file, the one where we go to in our mind to recall events or experiences and how we felt during or after they occurred. Sometimes these events or experiences are good and sometimes they can leave us feeling anxious about wanting to feel that again. We are often afraid that we will be left with the same experience as before and since that didn’t feel great, why would we want to do it again? What if we let go of those past experiences and allowed each thing we do to be exactly how it is meant to be for that time? What would happen if we took our expectations away? What would happen if we were vulnerable? Because that’s what it comes down to, is being in that vulnerable place to look at yourself and say “Yes, this hurt the last time I experienced this, but I am willing and wanting to go forward and see what happens this time.” It’s giving yourself permission to be completely open to whatever the outcome may turn out to be. What if this time, it was opposite of what you felt before. What if this time it brought happiness instead of sadness.
When I think about past experiences, I think about relationships the most. I think about how we close ourselves up and build walls around our hearts because we have been hurt one too many times and even the idea of letting someone else in gives you that anxious feeling. This goes for any relationship that we have. We have had those friendships that turn out to be some of the most toxic friendships, we have had the business relationships that have just felt like they are pulling your energy straight out of your soul, and we have had those romantic relationships that broke us down more than we could have ever imagined. A natural instinct is to close yourself off and not think about those feelings that we had, it hurts too much so we push them away. We don’t acknowledge them, we don’t sit with them, we just turn our heads the other way and say “Oh, no, thank you. Don’t like that.” and we continue to live in a place of our own fear.
What if we actually decided to sit with them and acknowledge those fears? I often will get the comment “Wow, I am so inspired by how you just go for all the things and don’t let anything stop you.” but, to be completely honest with you, I was terrified to be that person. I spent all of my pandemic alone time learning about myself and letting go of the things that hurt me and scared me. That was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. To let go of what broke you, to make space for new, to allow myself to be ok with whatever the outcomes would be in any situation. I cried a lot, I wondered what I was even doing, or why anyone could treat me the way I was treated in different areas of my life. I wonder if I was the toxic person in someone’s life and what I could do to be better if I was. I learned how to let the fear of that old experience come in and I talked to it, I asked myself why I was letting it hold me back, I let myself go deeper into myself and got down to the root of what was really bothering me about the experiences I went through. I vowed to never let myself be controlled by my own fears. Now, when I am anxious about an outcome, I ask myself why? I take a look at what is the root of the fear and I stare it right in the face.
My journey to myself hasn’t been the easiest and there have been days, even just this week, that I have felt like I am so lost. I am not lost, I am exactly where I need to be, with the people that I need to be with, the places I need to be in, and the opportunities that are coming. My past experiences do not define me. They molded me and helped me grow. I am the experience...and I will continue to be the experience in all the things that I go through.
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