May is mental health awareness month and I wanted to share with my struggle with mental health..which ultimately led me further down my path I am on.
5years ago, I lost my mother. She was 57. As a family, we had to make a decision that NO ONE should ever have to make.
Life or death.
I had struggled with mental health my whole life. I was treated for post partum depression after my daughter and we took preventative actions when I was pregnant with my son.
When my mother was dying, I called my doctor and basically said "I wish to be sedated through all of this" I asked to change my medication to something stronger because the pain was so unbelievable and I did NOT want to feel her end.
A few weeks after she passed, I got into a car accident and I looked at my then husband and said "I need mental help or I'm not going to make it." Right away we searched for someone that I could talk to.
I found my therapist and during the first meeting he flat out told me "you are the highest functioning person with anxiety that I have ever talked to" we went on to discuss more things and feelings and at the end of that meeting he informed me that I have Complex PTSD.
What I experienced when my mother passed was so powerful that my mind just couldn't take it. I had already had anxiety and her death pushed me over the top.
My mother was sick my whole life, I remember hospitals and doctors from such an early age. I feared her death my entire life and when it happened, I lost it. I was detached, I was reckless, I was hurting.
With the help of my very awesome therapist, I learned how to love myself and to not fear what life brings. Ends happen, that's just how life works. But there is so much beauty in the journey. I spent so much time being afraid and avoiding my emotions (because sitting with ourselves is scary).
Not anymore. Today, I can accept where my emotions are coming from (or explore them if I don't know). My therapist was huge on self care and through that self care I rediscovered my love for yoga and all the amazing benefits it brought me. I set out on this Mindfulness journey to help bring peace and calm to those that were or are like me.
Life is hard. Life is scary. Life is beautiful.
You are not alone.
Mental health and YOU should be top priority. Take time to self care. Take time to love yourself. If you feel like you need help, ask. Seek. Don't give up.
You are so awesome.
Comments