Holiday Feels
By Michelle Preble
“When Santa squeezes his fat, white, ass down the chimney tonight he’s going to find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse”- Clark Griswold
For the last 6years celebrating the holidays felt like such a pain in my backside. I would put on a happy face and try to make it through all the nonsense that is out there. My anxiety became a more festive anxiety that was made greater with delicious holiday coffee drinks, Mariah Carey, and Christmas movies on repeat. I would hold my tongue long enough until the people who know how to push the buttons, push the buttons just enough that I would crack. My crack could look like anything. I could go completely silent, I could cry for days, I could also flip out. It would always be a surprise for every one which crack would happen. Last year was the trifecta. I flipped out, cried, and then locked myself away for a few days. It was quite the wild ride. It also isn’t the best way to deal with anything and I own that. The lucky winner was my ex-husband who said some sideways comment about “no one talk to Michelle during December because she’s so emotional and still grieving”...yeah, I flipped out on that one.
No one in the history of ever gets to mock how you handle your grief. Grief will come in waves and those waves could be full with any emotion. Yeah, December is hard as hell on the emotions but, rightfully so, life changing events can do that to your heart. But, not every year is the same. Some years are happy and some are just what they are. That is the process that we go through and it will be that way forever. There is no timeline on grief or pain, it is how we move and flow with it that strengthens us.
This year the holidays have felt stressed but they have also felt really welcoming and warm. Sure, I really wanted to throw my crooked Christmas tree off the porch but that is our crooked Christmas tree and it’s perfect this year. The ornaments may be falling off and getting glitter everywhere, but we love it and it brings smiles to our faces. This year, I have taken the time to soak in the beauty of the holidays. Yeah there are tons of people everywhere and outings make me want to lay around and recover for a day. We haven’t had but a light dusting of snow and our state might burn next year due to the lack of moisture, but I still see hope and feel excitement for what is to come. I am surrounded by my beautiful kids and some really wonderful people.
So, if this holiday season you are working through whatever it is that you may be working through. Hold steady, breathe, you got this. The holidays are hard but you’ve already been through 100% of your hardest days to date. Go make a warm beverage, grab your cozy blanket, put that Christmas movie on again and enjoy the little things that make the big picture worth the crazy.
Happy Holidays!
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